Thursday, November 17, 2016

Despair

Despair:
de·spair; dəˈsper/
noun
1. the complete loss or absence of hope.
"driven to despair, he throws himself under a train"
Synonyms: hopelessness, disheartenment, discouragement, desperation, distress, anguish, unhappiness
verb
1. lose or be without hope.
"we should not despair"
Synonyms: lose hope, abandon hope, give up, lose heart, lose faith, be discouraged, be despondent, be demoralized, resign oneself

Despair.

I understand why some people die and why others go as far as to take their own lives.

Despair.

The first example sentence says it all. “Driven to despair, he throws himself under a train.”

I am in despair. And I can tell you, I understand. And even think of, well, let’s not go there.

Most likely you’ve inferred from my last several posts that everything in my life is hunky dory. While Draft Three of Book One is finished (and the feedback so far is excellent), and I am making headway on the second half of Book Two, my money has run out and my mental and physical health preclude me from building a new chiropractic practice, or even to continue pursuing that trade. (Due to panic attacks and/or moderate to severe hip pain every time I try it.)

I had a line on a server job at a new (and yummy) restaurant, and yesterday was offered the job. But I’m almost sixty (omg that sounds old!) and my body is feeling every minute of it, so I had to turn it down. Despair.

Nothing a little money won't fix. My expenses are low. But even low, they must be paid. Despair.

I guess I am lucky. Many people live their lives in quiet despair, doggedly forging on. But I am not those people. For me, despair is crushing, debilitating, while the other side holds no worry over bills, or homelessness, or being a burden. Despair.

I have reached the end and don’t know what to do.

I will meet with family this evening or tomorrow, but his work is tenuous, too. I could sell my chiropractic table and get by for another month or so, but the market is small, nearly nonexistent. That could take months, or years, by which time that train and I would already have met. (In fact, I can hear the whistle around the bend.)

Oh, to have the last twenty-five years back. To get a redo on careers and say HELL NO to chiropractic school and the immense cost I've paid physically, as well as financially - foregoing retirement, vacations, opportunities and left with nothing but destitution and crippling debt. Despair.

I’ve come face-to-face with an awful truth: for sixteen of the eighteen years since chiropractic school, I have lived at, or near, poverty level. Only two of those years have provided the level of income I abandoned to attend chiropractic school.

So, yes. I despair.

And nothing but a hand-up (a job, money, good thoughts, prayers) will help. 

That Rebel, O.J. Barré 

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