Cinco de Mayo. You do know this is an American holiday, right? And has nothing to do with
Mexican Independence?
Well, good.
Thirty-four years ago today my daddy died, two weeks after he turned forty-nine. The death certificate said myocardial infarction. But I knew he died of a broken heart.
He’d seen much, including the Pacific from an aircraft carrier in WWII when he was barely shaving. Did a tour in Korea, then back to the states. My daddy gave up much, got a lot, drank a lot, lost it all. My mama. Us kids. Our respect and love.
Twenty years later, six years sober in AA, I came to understand. And to forgive. To be sorry for my part in the demise of our relationship.
To regain my love for him.
It took me all those years to remember the man who had adored me as a child, lifted me to his lap to watch TV, taught me how to ride a bike and drive a ’68 stick-shift Beetle.
How could an intelligent young woman spend so many years not remembering the man who let her sit in front of him and drive the beat-up old tractor he doted on, showed her how to husk corn and tell if a bean was ripe? Who painstakingly repeated the name of every widget and tool in his impressive collection, no matter how many times I asked? (How else do you think I scored 98 percent on the
ASVAB?)
It took me another five years to mourn losing my daddy, not just once, but three times. It was 2001, the towers were smoldering, and so was I.
I wrote it out, my hurt and pain. Somewhere those pages must still exist. I wailed and cried for the six year-old who lost her hero to alcohol. Then I sobbed as I grieved for the drunken, drug-addicted twenty-year-old who declared she was glad that asshole was dead and dulled the pain at his passing in her own bottle.
Finally, I mourned for the years lost, hating the one parent who actually got me. He was the one who accepted me as I was, encouraged me, praised me. The one who almost busted a gut he was so proud at my high school graduation. He missed my college graduation in '81. He died in '77. He was there for my doctorate in '98, tucked safely in the pocket of my dress under my robe. By my heart.
The two most thoughtful gifts I've ever receieved were from him: a hot-pink Samsonite suitcase with my initials on the latches and an enormous, Unabridged Webster’s dictionary.
Did that man know me or what? Seems he knew I'd turn out to be a vagabond writer.
So, for my Daddy, thirty-four years gone, I dedicate this song, his favorite, and this video of Audrey Hepburn singing
Moon River. Keep watching at the end of the song, the videographer delivers a treat: clips of
Breakfast at Tiffany’s, from beginning to (almost) end.
I love you, Daddy. I see you and feel you here in Villa Rica, home of your piney woods. And I'm thinking of you on this blackberry winter night.
Happy Cinco de Mayo.
~ Olivia J. Herrell