I Believe

The Wright brothers were high school drop-outs and bicycle mechanics. But they believed. I wrote this 17 years ago in the margin of my copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, alongside the passage that reads:

When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.

The Wright brothers' almost childish faith that they could build a machine which would fly was the mainspring of their accomplishment. Without that, nothing could have happened. We agnostics and atheists were sticking to the idea that self-sufficiency would solve our problems. When others showed us that "God-sufficiency" worked with them, we began to feel like those who had insisted the Wrights would never fly.

I am not agnostic, nor am I an atheist. I do believe in God and have leaned heavily on him for most of the last 19 years. Why then, had the agnostic promises, also presented in the Big Book, come true in my life? The answer is simple. While I believe in God, I was living as if I didn't. As if he couldn't, or wouldn't, help me.

What are the agnostic promises, according to the Big Book?

We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people...

Now, if you've been following my blog these last couple of months, you will recognize that all of these had come true in my life. Every single one.

A couple of days ago, I got a massage from the young lady who will soon be working in my office. In the middle of the session, she stopped and ministered to me, scriptures and all. As she talked, I lay on that table with tears leaking out of my eyes as hope sprang to life in my heart.

While apologetic (she usually doesn't talk while giving a massage) she continued. Because she was moved to deliver a message from Divine, from God. Normally, I would recoil at being approached in this way. This time, my seeking heart welcomed her words.

When she finished my massage, I dressed and found her sitting at a table holding a book called His Princess, Love Letters from Your King. Someone had given it to her at a similar low point in her life. She read aloud two of the love letters, and their related scripture. As she read, cleansing tears flowed freely from my eyes. I knew I was in surrender because my heart felt so open and because I rarely cry in front of other people.

Afterward, she gave me the book, with instructions to read it every night before bed. She told me that each message, each love letter, was from God, speaking directly to me. I left her, feeling lighter than I have felt in a long time, full of a hope that desperately wanted to bloom.

I'd like to thank Pollinatrix, for sharing her own search for meaning in The Whole Blooming World. Reading her discourses prior to this session cracked me open enough to allow that light to seep in. Thank you also, dear Postman, for introducing me to Pollinatrix.

I am by no means done with this journey. But my foot is on the path. And my heart is full of hope and joy.

I believe.

Good things are happening already, the first of which is the blessing of Kat, the massage therapist. I adjusted her yesterday at our still-unfinished office. She is on fire with the Word and has a vision for our center that my eyes were too jaded to see. She is the spark that the fire within me needs.

Thank you, God.