I Forgive Me

"Though it makes him sad to see the way we live, he'll always say, 'I forgive'." ~ from He, the Righteous Brothers.

What a day. In a nutshell I:

• Woke up angry.
• Found out our house deal had further unraveled.
• Got soaked to the skin in a thunderstorm while my raincoat mocked me from the car.
• Rushed home and changed clothes, too wet to go back to work.
• Dumped half of a $50 bottle of liquid medicine on the bed and floor. Hopefully, there is some benefit from inhaling it (it is quite odoriferous).
• Yelled at my cat.
• Then found out we’re back to square one and need new buyers for our house.
• Ate dinner angry.
• Upset a loved one.
• And to top it all off, there is a crying dog next door that is breaking my heart.

Hmm. I must’ve reached some level of acceptance with the house thing. It doesn’t sting quite so much. I was seething earlier. A hot pile of helplessness, topped with a rash of frustration will do that to me.

On the plus side, I had work, got to co-host a coffee break at our office, made it to an AA meeting, ate delicious BBQ at Hudson’s (which almost made up for getting soaked) and received a real Danish kringle from a friend. And, though we have to find new buyers, we still have a contract until March on the log house we love. So it is simply delayed, not lost.

The dog has been quiet for the past couple of hours. He has cried much for several days. I actually drove around in the rain today with my window down (yes, after I’d changed clothes) trying to pinpoint his location. I saw him, but couldn’t tell what was up, other than him being outside. In the rain. I pray they don't leave him out and make him cry anymore. Otherwise, I have to find the courage to knock on a door. And I so don’t want to have to knock on a door.

I think I will end today by forgiving myself for not remembering my raincoat, for spilling the medicine, for yelling at the cat, for being angry and for feeling helpless, for upsetting my loved one and for being a coward who would rather not confront a pet owner.

I also commit to clearing away the crap that seems to have accumulated on every surface in my house. Tomorrow. Because it is driving me batshit crazy.

And who can write in the middle of disquiet and chaos? Not moi.

~ Olivia J. Herrell

Postscript: Believe it or not, I sang the song He with a (much more vocally talented) friend on the stage for a program back in seventh grade. Over the intervening years, there were several occasions, usually in times of trouble, when the words and melody played in my head, a reminder of something bigger than me. Little wonder I thought of it tonight, when looking for a song about forgiveness. HE by the Righteous Brothers