Bugsy Is Gone

It is done. Bugsy is gone. I am devastated and feel I may never smile again. The sun is shining, yet all I feel is sad. Sad sad sad sad sad. Goodbye my love. Rest In Peace Bugsy Herrell Richland. August 2004-April 2019.

Bugsy and Olivia, April 16, 2019

I wrote this on Twitter and Facebook nine days ago. And still, my heart is torn to pieces. I'm sorry I'm just now telling you, dear Rebels. I tried. I did. But it's been too painful.

And still is.

I gave myself five days to grieve. To bawl. To sigh. To keen.

And keen, I have. If you don't know what that is, I looked it up for you at dictionary.com:

[ KEEN ]

a wailing lament for the dead.

verb (used without object)

to wail in lamentation for the dead.

verb (used with object)

to mourn for by or with such keening or wailing:keening his mother while kneeling at her grave.

ORIGIN OF KEEN

1805–15; < Irish caoine (noun), caoin- (v., stem of caoinim ) lament

Bugsy and Olivia, Last Day Together

Keening is wailing. Out loud. Not what one expects in today's society. We get uncomfortable around keeners. But the truth is, it's the most natural and normal expression of deep pain or grief.

This past Monday morning, Day 6, I opened Awen Rising's manuscript and got more of my editor's revisions done. Tuesday morning, a few more. Both afternoons at the day-job were difficult. Damn near impossible. But I made it. Yesterday, I had work in the morning, and I'm happy to share that after throwing myself on Jehovah God's mercy, it was a little easier to breathe and smile.

This morning, I started on Awen Rising and had to stop. Seems after several days of telling myself that I'm okay, I'm not. I fell apart. The sorrow bubbled forth and I cried and cried.

I miss Bugsy. I miss my friend. My companion. My love.

I am bereft, empty. And my world is atilt.

My Companion, My Heart

Now, Awen Rising sits with its editor-edits nearly done. I've just GOT to squeeze through this grief long enough to finish. Then it goes back to Charlie for her next round of magic. Since I'm in Continuing Ed classes (for my day-job) all weekend, that leaves today or tomorrow. And if I can't make that, it won't be until next week.

Pray for me, rebels. I need your help to get this done.

And to get through the depths of this sorrow.

That Rebel, Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barré

O.J. Barré is the author of the upcoming Awen trilogy, a druid sci-fi fantasy set in 2042 in Atlanta, Georgia. Steeped in current, ancient, and future history twists, Book One, Awen Rising, is scheduled to debut August 1, 2019, in both ebook and paperback. Book Two, Awen Storm, is slated for 2020. And Book Three, Awen Tide, arrives in 2021.

The End is Near

Good news! I received first edits from my editor, Charlie Knight, this past Monday, April 1st. Tuesday I knocked out a quarter of the changes and today, another quarter. Charlie was right. There was no need to be worried.

Cover Teaser

Here's an excerpt from her transmittal email:

The first round of edits is attached. First, let me say that I am genuinely impressed; your writing is very strong, both technically and from a storytelling standpoint. I loved reading this story, truly enjoyed it...

Overall, you should be really proud of the work you've done so far and I'm very excited to see your changes moving forward.

Comments like THIS I can get used to! Thank you, Charlie!

My plan is to have the updated manuscript back in her hands by this Thursday the 11th. Sooner, if possible. Then there will be more back-and-forth until Awen Rising sings!

I've upped my release date to August 1st, and may even be able to release sooner if "all" goes well. "All" includes raising the money to buy a block of ISBNs. And getting the innards formatted for both ebook and paperback release. And the back cover design completed.

There's also the bio, acknowledgment page, glossary, etc, to be written. A marketing plan to be designed. And money raised for that.

Phew. Sounds exhausting, doesn't it? But dear rebels, the end is near.

Meanwhile, Bugsy is hanging in there. As of a few days ago, he'd lost another 2 1/2 pounds. A LOT for a cat. And it's only been three months since his diagnosis.

Bugsy, April 7, 2019

His appetite is still decent. He's given up dry food because it makes him barf. The healthier, more expensive wet food worked for a while. But he quit that in favor of his regular Fancy Feast with Gravy. He goes through several halves of those a day (on good days). The one brand of treat that doesn't make him sick is losing its appeal. And the bouts of diarrhea and vomiting are more frequent. He gets weaker by the day.

So the end is near for my Bugsy, too. How near, Lord knows.

In the meantime, we keep following our basic routine. I work. He sleeps. If I'm home working, he sleeps nearby. He's so fragile, he's not laying on my lap much now. Nor sleeping on me at night, as was always his habit. He did start sleeping on the bed again, so at least I can feel him with my feet.

On Condo Beside My Writing Chair, April 2019

Like Bugsy, most days I am okay. I wish there was a pill I could give him when the time comes. When he looks in my eyes and begs me to let him go. I fear I won't know until he's in the kind of pain that makes him meow and meow. Because there's no relief.

He fears the car. And the vet's office. So, I want my Bugsy to die at home. In my arms. With words of love whispered in his ears and sweet kisses peppered on his adorable head.

That Rebel, Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barré

O.J. Barré is the author of the upcoming Awen trilogy, a druid sci-fi fantasy set in 2042 in Atlanta, Georgia. Steeped in current, ancient, and future history twists, Book One, Awen Rising, is scheduled to debut August 1, 2019, in both ebook and paperback. Book Two, Awen Storm, is slated for 2020. And Book Three, Awen Tide, arrives in 2021.