Monday, June 27, 2011

I've Been Up and Down This Highway

The world seems topsy-turvy. Have you noticed?
I've been absoul-utely, positively, radiantly happy.

Until last week.

Another death, close,
My aunt's sister,
An earth angel
Got her wings.
My aunt and I reconciled,
At least, I think we did. I did.
And she was glad to see me,
Pulled me in to
Sit beside her
During the service.

After that? The week warped
In to a Dali painting.
Time stood still.
Bleak. No work.
I care. But I can't.
Get. Together. To. Go. In.
To. The. Office.
Everything, all of a sudden,
Is just way too hard,
Too heavy.
Oh My God.
Why is everything so
Freakin' hard?

What is this diabolical depresssion,
Insidious, weaving its way in to my home,
My profession, my bed?
It woos me to sleep ten, eleven,
Even twelve hours some nights.
Don't get up, not yet,
Pull the pillow over your head,
Snooze until the cat comes back
From his morning explores,
Then sleep more.

Dammit. NO!
Tonight, before I go to bed
My house will be clean.
I will have a to-do list to follow
To get stuff done
And tomorrow, I will follow it.
Starting with an 8 a.m. networking meeting,
And ending up with a 7 p.m. 12-step meeting.
I'm taking back my serenity.
And my want-to.
And my big girl britches.

Been missing y'all a LOT! Olivia J. Herrell

This song mirrored my mood so well, I hopped on here to share it with you guys. The poemy update popped out, too. Anyway, this is one of my favorite Jackson Browne songs. 'Night


Roland D. Yeomans said...

You cannot lose a loving person without bleeding emotionally. This depression is just emotional gauze to cushion your heart while it heals.

No matter how dark the night, the sun is waiting to poke its head up over the horizon. Light will come. In its due season, Roland

Dolly said...

I am sorry for your loss and for the black clouds hovering. I understand those persistent feelings only too well though mine have blown away now. I hope the same for you. Look after yourself Olivia and I hope Bugsy is looking after you too.


I am so sorry for your loss, what you're feeling I know so well after losing mum and husband within 2 months.... t hat was 13 yrs ago . I now celebrate their love for me when their time of the year comes around. It took a long while but each person grieves differently.
I wish you well.

Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barré said...

Roland, as always, your words are comfort to an achy soul. Thank you.

Dolly, I'm so glad that you're better, that's awesome. I was/am, as well. Today is better. Sometimes just admitting it, saying it out loud helps to dispel the clouds. Thank you so much.

Yvonne, thank you for your wisdom. Grief is a normal part of life, I know. I just can't afford to be crippled by that all-consuming depression again. I can't even imagine throwing the death of a husband on top of the mix. You're a saint. :)

~ Olivia

Mary@GigglesandGuns said...

Grieving is necessary. Take the time; then look to the sun.

Jules said...

Roland said it all except for.... write to me, scream at me, cry on my shoulder, whatever I'm here if you need. You have the address and I'll leave the light on.

Big Hug Rebel.
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

Ivy Bliss said...

Sleep it out. Bleed it out. Clean out the cubbards it out. If you have to. While you're doing all that, know that I love you.

Arlee Bird said...

You've expressed your feelings well even though they are difficult to grasp at times and life doesn't seem to always make complete sense. Sometimes we are like a battered rag doll being fought over by two children. Makes me want to just crawl away and hide in a dark place where I can just watch the things going on around me until I'm ready to go out in the world again.
Things always seem to get better eventually.

Tossing It Out

Elliot Grace said...

Oh Olivia, so sorry for your loss. Find yourself a place to breathe, a place to think. You've allowed us access to your weeping heart, and we're crying with you.


Misha Gerrick said...

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling, but I'm proud of you for fighting back.

You can do it!

Praying for you.


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