Feeling Fragile

I'm tired of being fragile.

And when, pray tell, did this happen? One day I'm a hellion carving my way through the world, the next, I'm this ephemeral... thing.

And just how did this happen? Is it a function of aging, compounded by letting go of my day job and relying on Social Security to pay my way? Or is it the breaking down of my body compounded by my shitty diet and lack of exercise these days? Thank God for the healthy smoothie packed with fifty fruits and vegetables I consume daily.

I'm trying to do better. I am, I promise. But the truth is, I'm fragile, y'all. And it ain't a laughing matter. 

As I free write, I seem to be reverting to my native Southern. I'll likely leave it here. I hope you don't mind.

As usual, today I woke early and had my shot of cacao, followed by my tall cup of White Peony Tea, while checking my KDP dashboard to see if the ads I'm paying for are bringing in sales. Then, perusing social media, there's a tickler message on Facebook about two books I keep forgetting to mail. Dang.

So, rather than dressing right away for the library, I trudged downstairs and looked at/around/into every box in the basement, trying to locate the large box of envelopes I special ordered from Uline to mail my signed books to readers. Y'all, we have a lot of boxes. But these two books need to go out, don'tcha know. I found nada. The envelopes refused to be found, and I'm wondering if they made it here from Idaho.

So, now I'm frustrated. Plus, there's a weather alert beeping on my phone (they're like amber alerts, y'all, and my first EVER!). A snowsquall's coming.

Huh. Really? It's sunny and beautiful outside, so I decide it'll likely pass us by, and I'm about to change for the library where I plan to write, and SHIT!!! There's that freaking snowsquall! A minute earlier, the sun was shining. Literally. 

I wished I'd taken a picture. For ten minutes, maybe longer, the wind howled, howled, I tell you. HOWLED. And it was white outside. Not solid white. That would be crazy scary. But sideways white—fine ice crystals mixed with snow, blowing and blowing and blowing—white air blowing twenty-five miles per hour. Then it petered out and stopped. Then, the sun came back out. But my plans to go to the library didn't.

See, y'all. I told ya I'm fragile. And it ain't no laughing matter. It's keeping me from writing. From living. From having a life.

Oh, poor baby. People would kill to have your life. Sitting at home day after day watching movies and eating ham sandwiches and watching tv and drinking Coca-Cola and Perrier and loving on Rambo.

Most days, the only exercise I get is letting the dogs and cat out and in, out and in. Oh. And trekking to the bathroom and back. And the kitchen, 'cause Lord knows I need to keep pushing food and drink into my mouth. Why is that, y'all? Why? Why?

Because it's comforting, baby. And when you're fragile, comfort is the thing you seek.

Just ask me. I know. I'm fragile.

That Rebel, Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O. J. Barré.

P. S. With any luck at all, I'll toughen up. But wait. Why? After sixty-five years of kicking and screaming and bucking the odds, did I not earn the right to be fragile?

P.P.S. David at Davissa Ranch (Northeast of Cheyenne) caught the snowsquall on film and posted the video to Instagram.

P.P.S.S. Check out this really cool inspirational website I found called "I'm Fragile."

P.P.P.S.S. Ooo, when I entered the labels for this post, "I'm Tore Down" popped up. Yeah. That fits too. And here's my old flame Calvin B. Streets performing Tore Down.

O. J. Barré is the author of the Awen Trilogy, a fun, fast, and epic urban fantasy set in 2042 Atlanta. Steeped in current, ancient, and future history twists, Book One, Awen Rising, debuted July 2019. Book Two, Awen Storm, released May 2020. Book Three, Awen Tide, will release in late 2022 or early 2023. All are (or will be) available in both paperback and ebook, and the hardback versions will be available soon.

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O. J.'s Awen Prequel novelette, The Druids of Marduk, Part I, is also available as an ebook - for purchase on Amazon (or free by signing up for her newsletter). The second installment, The Druids of Marduk, Part II: UnderEarth, is an ebook novella on Amazon. Part III: AboveEarth, is scheduled for a 2022 release.