Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Ode to an Orange Tree

In the midst of the
Hurry, hurry
Jumble of thoughts
That drive me through
The vortex of time,
Careening full throttle,
I get moments,
Snatches of
Precarious calm.

Sucked back in
I carom on.
Where is my peace?
Even sitting still
I can't seem to find it.
Oh mighty tree,
Your orange boughs
Arrest my flight.
I gaze.
And stay.
A while. ~ Olivia J. Herrell, October 10, 2011

It's back. That awful depression is back. No wonder I can't gratitude myself out of this slump. Any other time, it would work. But not against the deep, black hole of depression.

I was so happy to get off the Prozac. Never mind it saved my butt for six months by smoothing everything out. That tiny, twenty milligram capsule made me feel normal again.

But I hate taking man-made medicine. So at the first opportunity (which happened to coincide with the expiration of the prescription) I stopped. For a couple of months I was fine. Great. I was newly in love, my new business was growing and all was right with the world.

Then my sex drive tanked. It didn't just dip, it disappeared. I couldn't find my calm, my center, my peace. I was picking up a celestial hum that garbled my senses and interfered with my thoughts.
I felt like Frodo, unable to escape the Fiery Eye. No matter where I turned it was there, gazing at me with malevolent intent.

Then came the restless, irritable and discontent. By yesterday, I couldn't stand being in my own skin. All I could do was hold on with white knuckles.

Suspecting that my old nemesis was back, I got myself to an AA meeting where I talked to a dear friend who has much experience with depression. She made me promise to call for a doctor's appointment today.

I did. But only after sleeping twelve hours and having to drag myself out of bed. After a couple of hours surfing the web, calling doctors and clinics (the last hour of which I was in tears) I ended up on the phone with the Georgia Crisis Center. They got me in to the Pathways Clinic on Monday, rather than the end of December. Hell, I could be dead by then.

So. Today I am grateful for friends who love me, a fiance who supports me no matter what, state mental health programs, Alcoholics Anonymous, my faithful laptop and kind, compassionate people on the other end of the phone who move mountains to get care for those in need.

Still hanging in there, Olivia J. Herrell


Roland D. Yeomans said...

Diabetics would love not to have inject insulin everyday but they have to. Apparently, prozac is your "insulin." I am in your corner. Sometimes we just have to "eat the vegetables." May all smooth for you soon, Roland

Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barré said...

Dear Roland, you tried to tell me before. This time I'll listen. Thank you, my friend. You are loved.

~ Olivia

Yvonne Osborne said...

I don't know much about any of this, but I guess I should consider myself lucky to have never suffered depression. What I do know is that I love this....
"oh mighty tree,
your orange boughs
arrest my flight."

Keep writing and hang in there!

Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barré said...

Oh Yvonne, it's so good to see you. Thank so much for stopping by. You and Roland have made my day!

~ Olivia

Michelle Gregory said...

glad you're still with us.

A.T. Post said...

Have you tried gingko biloba, vitamin B1 and St. John's wort? All compatible with each other, all available OTC, all relatively inexpensive and all accepted alternative forms of treatment for the D-word. Trust me on this one; it's not the same as Prozac, but every little bit helps. And for what it's worth, I'm in your corner too.

dolorah said...

So sorry for your misery Olivia; but I'm glad you have good friends and resources to pull you through.

I'm sending you best wishes :)


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