Yes. Life always finds a way. This last six months has been a huge metamorphological phase for me. I am not being transformed so much as I am being shown who I am and what I am not, what matters and what doesn't. A lifetime of presumptions, predispositions and beliefs are falling by the wayside. I am learning that I need so little. Yet, still I have so much. There are things that I find necessary. A bed, my car, a roof over my head. Food and water. My cat as companion. My laptop and internet. But my life is much simpler than it once was.
For a person such as I, with an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, being a doctor or caregiver of any sort is not a great choice of professions. I am paying for that now and riding the pendulum to the opposite extreme. At some point I expect I will settle somewhere in the middle. And I've discovered I'm much more suited to the arts.
Right now I want nothing more than to spend the day writing and hanging out with Bugsy. Some days it is hard to do more than that. Yet I take a shower, put on the veil and answer the curtain call. But only when I must.
Yet, yesterday the people bothered me little. Since I'd planted myself in the middle of the bridge and was in no hurry to tackle the steps back up, I became the unofficial picture taker for several different groups of people. Have I changed? No. Not really. Only my perspective has.
What am I trying to say? Who the hell knows, I lost track. OH.
A friend told me that "social scientists say all of us will have to re-invent ourselves at least three times in our lives." I am on the up side of that number, I passed three a long time ago. Looking back, I can see that my life has been about constant reinvention. I am on a priceless adventure, one not to be undertaken by the weak of heart. The resting points have been few and far between. This particular instance just seems to be a particularly profound event.Maybe it's because the lessons are the same and I needed to be smacked around more than most to learn them. So my reward for obstinancy in the face of universal truth is a big fat face in the dirt slug fest.
But you know what? This too shall pass.
It occurs to me that I have no idea about so much in this world. Sometimes being unaware is not enough. I am finding I have been a know-it-all. And that I really know nothing. It was just an edifice I constructed to shield me from the world, to set myself apart. To keep myself alone. Can't touch this.
Silly me. It didn't work. Well, the alone part did. But I am sensitive. And I feel deeply. And everything touches this.
~Olivia J. Herrell
For the curious and for those who have recently joined my blog, I've added links to previous posts on related topics. If you'd like to delve a little deeper in to the psyche of a southern-fried earth angel, go ahead. Click on over. You just might find a piece of yourself there.
14 comments:
I understand about the change part. For more than a year, the word 'chrysalis' was in my head. Did you know that in the cocoon, a caterpillar becomes liquid before becoming a butterfly? Oooo, not a painless process for us humans. Have fun on your journey!
I can relate to what you are saying, or at least it strikes a chord within me. I feel like I have been reinvented so many times and that there will be more to come. And still anyone who has known me for a long time still sees something of the old me there.
My life seems much simpler now. There is so much more in life that I'd like to do, yet I feel like I've done enough so far to have made it all worthwhile. So if I eventually get to where I think I'm heading that's great and if not then I must already be where I need to be.
That was a nice contemplative post.
Lee
Tossing It Out
WC, I did NOT know that a caterpillar turns to goo in the chrysalis, eeuuww. Yet she makes it to the other side and gets to fly. How many times have we struggled out of that cocoon, and stretched our wings to fly until the inevitable windshield comes along. LOL. Ain't life grand?
Lee, do you sometimes wonder how they could look at you and still see the same person? I'm wondering why this 'event' feels so different to me than all the others. I guess time will tell.
Thank you both for stopping by. These is my favorite kind of post...
Constant revision as we go through life - I like that idea. I hope we're all striving to be better, to do better. Good luck in your journey.
Jemi, yes, constant REVISION for us writerly folks. I like it. I think we're all trying to leave the world just a little bit better than we found it: one ms at a time, one relationship at a time, one breath at a time. Thank you. And good luck on yours, too.
This was a wonderful post and I seem to be stuck on your words "This too shall pass." I once thought of getting this as a tattoo.
Not to make a comment seem like a post, I thought you were writing about me. So thank you for letting me know I am not alone.
Boy that's a lot of steps! And beautiful falls. I, too, related to what you said. There is so much to do, places to see, things to try, books to read.... I spend too much time at a mundane job that sucks the energy out of me. Thanks for following my little blog. Good luck with your writing!
Lord, you only get to reinvent yourself three times!
I never would've made it out of my twenties.
Maybe not even my teens. I think I was on my third or fourth life when I got out of high school.
The way I figure, I need to reinvent myself as many times as it takes. Cut a worm in half, it'll grow into two worms.
Cut it again, two more worms.
And so on and so forth. I hope I got that right, anyway.
I look back every year at how stupid I was last year, and how smart I am this year. Get it?
- Eric
Hi Thanks for sending a comment, I appreciated very much, I think the problem is getting solved, It don't show how many comments I have for each new post I've put on.
I enjoyed yours very much, so lovely photo;s it was a pleasure to read and look.
Yvonne,
Jules, thank you for sharing that. I love the post you did on that subject today!
Yvonne O, yes, I know what you mean about 'out there'. We have to support our writing 'habit' till it can support us. :) You have a great blog, my pleasure! And thank you for following mine. BTW, my calves are sooo sore today, tried to walk it off but I think I need more stairs!
Eric, I do get it. It's the worm thing. And it's a good thing it's this year and not next year. :)
Yvonne, I think the problem was in blogger and affected all of us. Not sure if it's fixed but at least it's not eating comments anymore. Welcome, I'm glad you enjoyed! BTW, I love your poetry blog.
Heck, what's wrong with reinventin' yourself every day if you want?
I like reading these posts of yours, Olivia. It's such a joy, hearing about a sudden burst of improved clarity in someone's life. I'm glad things seem to be coalescing for you and that your perspective is a great deal more equable than it was.
And that is a lovely waterfall...
Postman, welcome back, I've missed you! Thank you. And that was taken on my cellphone, believe it or not.
(smiling and nodding) Oh, you are definitely not alone. We're all turning to jelly and emerging transformed these days, but sometimes it feels like we're stuck in the jelly for too long. Eager to see how we'll all turn out.
Hey, Bryan, welcome!! Isn't it nice to know we're not alone?? I'm eager to see that, too. Thanks so much for stopping by. I love your SF blog.
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